i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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