she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize