Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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