I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
