mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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