giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
