i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
did i walk over a car last night?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
