why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
