I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
