Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
