Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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