oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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