Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
