Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize