My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
