i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
