Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
