trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
