The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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