im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
