We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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