It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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