it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
