I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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