Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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