Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
