I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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