he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
