ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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