the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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