My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
