Define "chronic" masturbator.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
accomplished twins. life is a go
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
