Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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