you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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