They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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