So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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