I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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