you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
