I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I deserve this hangover.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
