On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
