Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
