just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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