all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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