so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
there is glitter all over my balls
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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