How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
