Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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