2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
