when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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