all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
