i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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