the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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