My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
