So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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