I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
