We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
