No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
