i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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