I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
