Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
