Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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