Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
