he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
