I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
