Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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