i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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