billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
