Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
