Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize