I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
